DEAR ABBY: My oldest son, “Adam,” turned 50 last month. He and his wife, “Lindy,” live four hours away. They invited me and my husband to a birthday party she was having for him. Adam’s daughter from a previous marriage couldn’t make it for whatever reason.
Lindy tends to drink too much. At one point, she went around screaming about how Adam’s “stupid daughter” didn’t bother to make it to his birthday party. To say the least, I was furious. I didn’t speak up because my son’s friends had traveled to be there and I didn’t want to ruin the celebration, and she was obviously very intoxicated.
My granddaughter doesn’t have a good relationship with them. Adam adopted the youngest of Lindy’s three daughters because the two older ones were married. I no longer want to have anything to do with Lindy. Adam and his father don’t know about what happened that night. We haven’t had a good relationship since Adam left his first family for Lindy. Any advice? — HOLDING MY TONGUE IN TEXAS
DEAR HOLDING: Adam knows his wife is a drinker who sometimes becomes out of control. You didn’t mention whether he has maintained contact with his ex-wife or his daughter. That she avoided his birthday party may not have been unexpected. My advice is to keep your lip zipped and resist the urge to further rock the boat.
DEAR ABBY: A friend I’ve known since our school days works in the same organization I do. We’re in different departments, but we had similar jobs when I started six years ago. During that time, I’ve had two big promotions, and she has stayed where she is. Her work is well received, and she always gets positive reviews, so she’s frustrated she hasn’t been promoted.
She asked me to help her figure out what is going on. (When asked, her supervisor didn’t give a straight answer, which is typical here.) I think the problem may be how she presents herself. It’s an old-school setting, and she has a modern attitude toward work-life balance. She dresses within the letter of the dress code but more casual than those around her. She takes personal calls within earshot of others and will pop in and out of the office to run errands or pick up her kids up from somewhere, and then work from home to make up the time. While technically it is allowed, others don’t do this.
Only 10% of our job is client-facing, but looking and acting the part is noticed. It would be great if the rules outlined what the managers actually want, but I think reading the room is necessary too. Maintaining our friendship is more important to me than helping her at the office. How much of this, if any, do I share with her? — FAITHFUL FRIEND IN OHIO
DEAR FRIEND: You should share all of your thoughts with your friend, because they are pertinent and honest. After that, she should speak privately with her boss and ask why she hasn’t been able to advance in the company.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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