You’ve just peed on the stick, and those two lines pop up faster than you can say “I’m going to be a mom!”
You’re beyond excited, and for a moment, you want to shout it from the rooftops.
Then reality hits. You keep the news to yourself. Why? Because of the dreaded 12-week rule.
What if it didn’t have to be that way?
“It isolates our community”
One Sydney mom is calling for the “outdated” rule to be scrapped completely, saying it’s time to rethink how we handle early pregnancy and pregnancy loss.
“This rule does more harm than good. It isolates our community in grief when they need support. It disenfranchises their grief,” Sam Payne told Kidspot.
The owner of The Pink Elephants, a support network for miscarriage and early pregnancy loss, says it’s long past time for women to let go of the outdated framework.
“It tells them that a baby who’s lost before 12 weeks isn’t really a baby yet. It reinforces the idea that it’s just a bunch of cells or it’s just an embryo and we shouldn’t really feel that loss,” she explains.
“And yet we know that the majority of women who lose a baby in that first trimester feel profound grief. They feel intense emotional distress for a prolonged period of time.”
It goes even deeper in a logical sense too.
“The 12-week rule is also medically out of date. It’s not correct health information,” Payne insists.
“It’s something that stands from when women really only used to see health professionals at around 12 weeks to confirm a pregnancy. We now know that women have access to home pregnancy tests… they’re obviously aware of their pregnancy much earlier.”
“More at risk of things like postpartum anxiety”
It also contributes to mental health concerns in subsequent pregnancies.
The 12-week rule can leave women struggling to find themselves, constantly fearing the worst while trying to hold on to hope that their pregnancy will succeed.
“Pregnancy after loss is an incredibly difficult experience,” Payne said.
“It is trying to hold on to hope that this baby will make it. Trying to feel that this is a real pregnancy whilst also questioning when you’re going to lose this baby too.”
It can complicate things right up until the due date and even once the baby arrives.
“When you don’t process the grief when it is happening to you, that can come out later and you’re more at risk of things like postpartum anxiety when you finally have a baby in your arms. Postnatal depression, anxiety, prenatal anxiety during pregnancy,” she said.
Payne wants parents to feel empowered to share their news on their terms.
“Ultimately, it’s up to the individual. There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to sharing your pregnancy,” she said.
She also places importance on a strong support network, especially if things don’t turn out as hoped.
Allocating a loved one to communicate with your network if loss occurs is her advice.
“Just having one person who can tell your friends for you,” she explained.
“They can send that WhatsApp message to your group of friends and say, ‘Hey, so and so’s just told me they’ve gone through a loss. This is what we’re going to do for her this week.’ And you get someone else to manage the group of people.”
For Payne, the key to breaking the silence around pregnancy loss is creating spaces where women can openly share their experiences without fear of judgment.
“We need to encourage more conversations about pregnancy loss and miscarriage when that person is ready to have those conversations obviously,” she said.
“If we’re silencing them from the start and saying we don’t talk about pregnancy before 12 weeks in case you miscarry, then you’re also silencing the experience of miscarriage.”
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