DEAR ABBY: My mother and stepfather, “Pop,” divorced a few years ago. He was the only father figure in my life and was good to me, so I want to maintain a relationship with him. What happened between them is a “he said, she said” situation. I don’t know where the truth lies, and I have tried hard not to take sides.
Last year, Pop and his new wife, “Judy,” wanted to visit. I now live a couple of thousand miles away. He planned to get a hotel, but I asked them to stay here, which my husband agreed with. I must admit that Pop seems much happier than he was with Mom, and Judy is very nice. Plus, my kids really liked her.
When Mom came here a few months later and asked about their visit, I told her that Pop was well and Judy was pleasant. She then blew her lid and said that was a betrayal to her. She’s now calling me a traitor and tells everyone, usually through a flood of tears, that I love Pop more than her, and that his new wife is a witch and a homewrecker.
Mom is retired and not in good health, and she plans to move closer to my family in the near future so she won’t be alone. She has no one else. I want to move beyond all this, and I’m willing to help her in her later years. I communicate occasionally with Pop, and he will not visit again when Mom lives close by as he doesn’t want me in the middle of a muddle. How do I soothe things with her? I do love her, but I don’t want to write Pop out of my life. — TORN IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR TORN: You may not be able to soothe your mother’s feelings, but you may be able to reach an understanding if you tell her, preferably in person, that you would be happy if she moved closer and you are willing to help her in her later years, BUT you intend to maintain a relationship with Pop and his wife.
Explain to her that you are not her possession or his, and no one should dictate who you see or don’t see. Say you’re sorry she and Pop didn’t make it to the finish line, but keeping him in your life is not a betrayal of anyone.
DEAR ABBY: My husband started a side business during the pandemic making and selling small batch hot sauces. Five years have passed, and a year and a half ago I told him I should be paid for my time when he needs help manning the booth at an eight-hour-long street fair. I told him I didn’t think it was fair to expect his wife to accept 50% less per hour than the 14-year-old he hired to give me a break.
Now he’s resentful that I get paid to work for his business “when he hasn’t paid himself.” He also expects me to “volunteer” my time to help him set up before and break down after events. We have been together 25 years, married for 15, but we have always had our own bank accounts and paid our own bills. Is this fair? — HIRED HELP IN THE WEST
DEAR HIRED HELP: Your husband is assuming you are indentured labor. He should give YOU a break by paying you as much as he pays the 14-year-old he hired. What he pays (or doesn’t pay) himself for running this enterprise is beside the point.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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